The Grave I've Dug

I've dug a grave for myself.

A deep one, mind you.

Sometimes I sit back and wonder, how I got myself where I am today. And no one answers me. Right now, I don't think God exists. Even after all the things Peggie told me about the diamond and the seat, really. I don't sense it. Or I wouldn't have landed myself here at SJ Willis, with people who can't even speak english properly, screwing up my day.

And what have I done to my dad? Yeah. I fucked up. Bad time.

He asked me if I was happier than a red ant I pointed out earlier on in the garden. I asked him what did he think. He told me that he ain't me, so he wouldn't know. And I told him I ain't the ant, I wouldn't know how the ant was feeling to compare it to me.

And as I walked up towards the front door, I saw him looking at me as he stood in the grass. I sighed, and told him, "I'm not happy. I don't know how I got myself where I am today."

And when I stepped through the door, I thought to myself, "Good God what have you done Jean?"

"Shit."

You know, now sometimes I think my sis isn't the one killing the family.

It's me.